Quote Ajit

The Right to Bear Arms

2009-03-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

To an NRA buddy after listening to a loooooong rant on Obama wanting to take away his guns:

Well... you stick to fighting for the right to bear arms: I'm going to start a campaign for the right to bare legs!

Turn Me On???

2009-01-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

C: Why aren't you drinking?? Dammit! Why aren't you?
Me: I just don't feel like it.
C: Why??? You can have anything you like! Just place an order.
Me: Well, why are you so adamant that I drink alcohol?
C: (giving me her sexy-cute sideways squinty eyed look) Maybe I want to take you back to my room and have my way with you.
Me: Wrong approach darling.
C: What?
Me: Well, when I'm drunk I find it hard to even aim into a pisspot that's that (Hands 12 inches apart) wide!

The Brighter Side

2008-06-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Orthopedist: Ajit, I know this is difficult, but please refrain from any heavy exercise for your left arm. No lifting, no exertion of any sort.
Me: Just the left arm?
Orthopedist: Yes.
Me: Well... look at the brighter side of it... It it was Right arm, my sex life would have gone to hell.

5 second pause...

Ortho chokes, his assistant bursts out laughing and can't stop.

Prince Philip takes the cake

2008-04-20T22:31:00.001-07:00

I've often been told that I have a very insensitive and sarcastic approach to everything. I discovered a few years ago, that even being polite and articulate can offend some people. Soon after that I cast all propriety to the winds and am now the person that I am. I came across these sayings of Prince Philip on Wikipedia- He's truly a man I admire- the world needs more people like him to shake up all the petty sensibilities and teach people to take a joke.

Prince Philip is well-known for making remarks during public visits which are sometimes regarded as insensitive.

* Speaking to a driving instructor in Scotland, he asked: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"

* When visiting China in 1986, he told a group of British students, "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed".

* After accepting a gift from a Kenyan citizen he replied, "You are a woman, aren't you?"

* "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (1986)

* In 1966 he remarked that "British women can't cook."

* To a British student in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?"

* Angering local residents in Lockerbie when on a visit to the town in 1993, the Prince said to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the Pan Am jumbo jet: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out Windsor Castle.

* On a visit to the new National Assembly for Wales in Cardiff, he told a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band, "Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf."

* In 2002, he asked an Indigenous Australian businessman, "Do you still throw spears at each other?"

* Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, "You can't have been here that long – you haven't got a pot belly." (1993)

* Seeing a shoddily installed fuse box in a high-tech Edinburgh factory, HRH remarked that it looked "like it was put in by an Indian".

* "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands)

* At the height of the recession in 1981 he said: "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

* Upon presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student, when informed that the young man was going to help out in Romania for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans; upon being informed he was not, it was claimed the 85-year-old duke added: "Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages."

* At the University of Salford, he told a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut: "You could do with losing a bit of weight."

* In 1997, the Duke of Edinburgh, participating in an already controversial British visit to the Jallianwala Bagh massacre (Amritsar Massacre) Monument, provoked outrage in India and in the UK with an offhand comment. Having observed a plaque claiming "This place is saturated with the blood of about two thousand Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims who were martyred in a non-violent struggle.", Prince Philip observed, "That's a bit exaggerated, it must include the wounded". When asked how he had come to this conclusion Philip said "I was told about the killings by General Dyer's son. I'd met him while I was in the Navy."

* During a Royal visit to a Tamil Hindu temple in London, he asked a Hindu priest if he was related to terrorist organization the Tamil Tigers.

* In 1996, he drew sharp criticism when he said "a gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman". The comment came in the wake of the massacre of 16 children and their teacher in Dunblane, Scotland.

* In 1987, he wrote in his foreword to If I Were an Animal that "In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation."

* In 2002, speaking to a blind, wheelchair bound woman who was accompanied by her guide dog, he remarked : "Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics?"

* I am actually a large piece of cheese. (1953)
o To Francesco De Burgemile, upon hearing of his whimsy of gullibility.

* Where did you get that hat? (1953)
o To his wife, the Queen, immediately after her coronation

* The only active sport I will follow is polo - and most of the work is done by the pony. (1965)

* The bastards murdered half my family. (1967)
o When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union

* I'm one of those stupid bums who never went to university, and a fat lot of harm it's done me. (circa 1968)

* What do you gargle with - pebbles? (1969)
o Said to Tom Jones after the The Royal Variety Performance

* Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. (1981)
o Said during the 1981 recession

* You must be out of your minds. (1982)
o To Solomon Islanders on being told that their population growth was 5% a year

* You are a woman, aren't you? (1984)
o Said in Kenya to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift.

* If you stay here much longer, you'll all get slitty-eyed. (1986)
o Said to British students in China

* If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it. (1986)
o Said at a World Wildlife Fund meeting

* Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world. (1991)
o Said in Thailand after accepting a conservation award

* Aren't most of you descended from pirates? (1994)
o Said to an islander in the Cayman Islands

* If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats? (1996)
o Said amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting

* Bloody silly fool! (1997)
o Referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him

* Oh! You are the people ruining the rivers and the enviroment. (1999)
o Said when he met three young employees of a Scottish fish farm

* Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car - we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle. (2001)
o Talking to Elton John after he told Prince Philip that he had sold his gold Aston Martin

* You were playing your instruments, weren't you? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats? (2002)
o Said to a children's band in Australia

* If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly. (2002)
o Commenting during the Jubilee tour

* The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion. (2002)
o Commenting on the London traffic debate after mayor Ken Livingstone launched his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city

* French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast. (2002)
o Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy)

* It is surprising the way things have changed since I first became chancellor of a university 50 years ago. (2003)
o Source: Opening a new research centre at the University of York
o The statement was widely misrepresented as referring to the University of York itself, rather than the University of Edinburgh, of which Prince Philip is Chancellor. (The York Chancellor at the time was Janet Baker, and the university was celebrating its fortieth anniversary.)

* It doesn't look like much work goes on at this University. (2005)
o Overheard at Bristol University's BLADE (Bristol Laboratory for Advanced Dynamic Engineering) facility, which had been closed in order that he and the Queen could officially open it

* You look like you're ready for bed!
o Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes

* Never pass up a chance to go to the loo or to take a poo.
o When asked his secret for dealing with public appearances

* If people feel it has no further part to play, then for goodness sake, let's end the thing on amicable terms without having a row about it.
o On sentiment against the British monarchy

* If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

* Edinburgh: And what exotic part of the world do you come from?
Lord Taylor: I'm from Birmingham. (1999)
o An exchange with Lord Taylor of Warwick, who is black

* "Brazilians live there"
o Prince Philip on the "key problem" facing Brazil

* "Do we need ear plugs?"
o At the Royal Premiere of the James Bond film Die Another Day, on being told that Madonna sung the theme song.

* "Damn fool question!"
o Said to BBC journalist Caroline Wyatt after she asked Queen Elizabeth if she was enjoying her stay in Paris.

Quotes excerpted from wikiquote

Nurses wearing facemasks

2008-04-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

I know why you guys wear these masks- its so that if you make a mistake, you can't be identified in court.

-To an ICU nurse who was administering a 4th dose of something to try to get me shut up and sleep.

Fast Food and Good Food

2008-03-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

Fast food is to good food what masturbation is to sex. One satisfies the immediate urge, the other leaves one with joy and an enduring sense of well being.

Awe

2008-03-03T02:34:00.000-08:00

Never be in awe of another human being. Treat them as another organism- nothing more. You can love them, admire their achievements, even respect them, but awe is something that you owe only to God.

Courage

2008-02-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

It is easy to forgive those stronger than you and wreak vengeance on those weaker than you but to forgive those weaker than you and wreak vengeance on those stronger than you, now- that takes real courage.

Visiting Saudi Arabia with an Israeli stamp on your passport

2008-02-01T13:00:00.001-08:00

"It surprises me that a man in your line of business does not keep a second or third passport. If you enter the Wahabi Kingdom's Immigration with a Hebrew stamp on your passport, you will walk out of there feeling like you've had 6 Proctology appointments back to back!"

Coffee from a machine

2008-01-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Drinking Coffee from a machine is like drinking wine from a screw-top bottle.

Sentimental excuses in business

2008-01-10T04:55:00.000-08:00

Yes *******, that's a very touching story. I have a confession to make too- I know that you and the boys have been suspecting this for a while- yes, I do suffer from a mental illness- it's called acute dont-give-a-fuck-osis. It means that I don't give a fuck about that sentimental story of yours- come back to me with the truth or a good reason.

Venturing into the unknown

2007-12-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

Venturing into the unknown? Venturing into the unknown- that's like the first time you had sex... you're standing there in the bad light with a condom in your hand wondering "which side is the outside goddamn it"? And the lady looks at you for 30 seconds and says "This is the first time you're doing this right? Let me help." So, when you're venturing into the unknown, the person who screws you, helps you the most.

every Tom Dick and Harry

2007-10-11T02:04:00.000-07:00

"Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called James Riley"

- V.J, a colleague.

2007-10-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

You don't need to get that serious. Anybody can do this- what you propose is like getting a brain surgeon to perform a bris!

Expertise

2007-09-12T05:20:00.000-07:00

You've got to get a professional in on this. This is like going to a mohel for brain surgery.

Fine Dining in Bangalore

2007-09-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, we have quite a bit of fine dining in Bangalore, much of it though, is only marginally preferable to death by starvation.

(also applied to JPMC cafeteria food.)

BMW with a scratch

2007-09-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

You know what a BMW with a scratch looks like? Looks like Gwyneth Paltrow with a pimple on her nose.

Saving my skin

2007-09-07T18:26:00.000-07:00

Of course I'm trying to save my own skin- it covers my body and keeps my balls from falling off.

Stupid Question

2007-09-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

Q) What kind of moral objection?

A) Er... it goes against my religious beliefs.

Q) What are your religious beliefs?

A) I'm one third Christian, one third Jewish and one third Buddhist.

Q) What kind of stupid answer is that?

A) You ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers.

Bangalore's 11:30 Curfew

2007-09-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

The neo-conservatives in Bangalore want us to believe that letting people party beyond 11:30 PM leads them to immorality, thus the curfew. Most of the immorality in my life has occurred before that- sometimes even before 11:30 AM.

Cricket

2007-09-07T18:17:00.001-07:00

Cricket is like an illness- lasting 1, 3 or 5 days. I prefer soccer- it's like sex: over in 90 minutes.